17 dead after pre-orgy party

Chanhassen-
17 local students, ages 15 to 18, were found dead saturday morning after they overdosed on cocaine. Three of the students were CHSl attendees, while the rest came from various Hennepin County schools. According to survivors, they were just about to go out to the backyard for, what some neighbors described as, "a sex pile."
Julie Nelson, who lives just one door away from the tragic location, says that she witnessed several of these fornication festivals throughout the year, but that this one was the biggest. "They didn't come outside, like usual, so I went to check on them." And check on them she did. She found the three survivors moping around the house in a depressed stupor. "They looked depressed," said Nelson's husband Victor, "so they were drinking and complaining about how the bang-a-thon wasn't gonna happen."
Police arrived on the scene ten minutes later to give the remaining teenagers slaps on the wrists and to take away the dead bodies.

on a related note, anyone interested in unprotected sex with multiple partners should call 952-555-55#5

Fun Facts and Vocab

Cartman:
Everybody has one. That one friend that nobody really likes, but they all put up with. Well, he sucks, and the longer you keep him around, the more people will hate you.

$5:
blowjobs cost this much if you're talking to a whore

Siamese Friends:
the two people you know that are never separated

Dumbasses:
you can detect them easily because they have little "wings" of hair coming out like they just wore a hat. Check myspace, there are about 800000000 of them.

Dumbasses (pt. 2):
speaking of myspace, if you're a guy with a shirtless picture, you can go fuck yourself in hell because i hate you.

Politics:
something smart people talk about to sound smarter than you.

Politics (pt. 2):
something dumb people holler about to get attention.

Hatred:
easily created by complainy people on the internet.

p.s. sorry about the language

Okay, lets try this again

the report has taken a break for a reason: I didn't like what was going on here.
to solve that problem, i've brought petty in to help me tear this apart.
What does that mean for you?
It means that you can either ignore this in the future, or look forward to the most terrible, whiny, vulgar, awesome page ever.

We're not just tabloids anymore, we're making the news.

gossipy gossip rumors

-school citizens are demanding a recount after the election of Paul "Republican" Modeen as homecoming king.
in our humble opinion, maybe a king would get things done better than a president.
-did you hear that (insert: EVERY GIRL IN THE SCHOOL) dies her hair? Oh, my God, i can't believe it.
-bussing from the high school to the co-op may be changed to hovercrafts in order to waste government funds more appropriately, and to better endanger pedestrians. No word as of yet on the space shuttle counterpart for long trips.
-did you know that all of the green house chairs are green... except the minority ones that the other chairs pretend dont exist.
-statistics show that blondes have a fifty percent higher chance of being stupid, and that stupid people have a fifty percent higher chance of making up statistics.

Guru says what?

Our acclaimed future events expert, the reverend Dr. Ravi Ganehen'ha, is in today to tell us about the coming weekend:
"The sun will boil the souls of the heathens who dont buy Franz Ferdinand's new album."
he added
"Sometimes the tiger eats you, and sometimes you die from the VD you caught after homecoming."
our short interview concluded with his message of peace to the people:
"What makes the blind man cry, and the deaf man giggle, must surely be tourettes."
amen to that reverend

Somebody told me...

word has it that numerous plots have been launched to topple the tallest couple in school.

you know homecoming idol, kevin schultz? i heard that he may be disqualified on the count of him actually being a golden retriever.

the sixties era was surprisingly left out of next week's homecoming festivities. a reliable source within the school says that this decade was skipped since "nothing interesting whatsoever happened between Eisenhower and Watergate."

there was a gunfight in green house on thursday sometime between 2nd block and 3rd. and by guns, i mean sissy.

that's all the news for now. next up: personal information assumed through use of psychic

The Word is in!

Homecoming is coming up for chaska high school, and we're here to keep you updated on the proceedings.

Top Story:
Blonde man has trouble choosing accessories!
a local student has reported complaints regarding what he should wear to the homecoming dance. "I just can't choose hemp neclaces over gold chains," he says. Inside word, though; indicates that he'll end up wearing whatever his date tells him to because he's pussywhipped.

we're out for now, but we'll update regularily with all the gossip around.